i'm no longer depressed

I’m no longer depressed.

I think I’m quite good at feeling the lowest of the lows then coming out of it quickly. Well, quicker than I thought I’d be able to while being in those depressive states. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s from all the personal development books and podcasts I’ve consumed my life with. Maybe it’s genetics. Maybe it’s a mix of a lot of things.

Coming out of depression was a slow process and then it happened almost instantly. And what I mean by that is that for me anyway, the hardest part was coming to the decision to not be depressed. It was coming to the decision to accept what was happening to me now. Because deciding to let go of what I’d been holding onto was easy. But reaching that decision was the hardest part. And I think in a lot of scenarios that tends to be the case.

That’s not to say that I disregard chemical imbalances in the brain because I 100% understand that there are some cases where absolutely nothing will help except prescribed medicine. But in my personal case, it never got to that point where I truly felt I needed it. I definitely considered it. But it wasn’t going to be my first option.

In a way, it was scary for me to come out of depression. It’s a strange feeling where it almost feels more comfortable to be depressed than to be happy. It’s like a security blanket that you hold onto. You feel safe and warm and even though you so badly want to be happy—the thought of being happy can also become scary—because it means that things will change. And change can be uncomfortable. Especially because you never know what will happen.

The unknown is scary. And what made me stay depressed was holding onto this idea of the future that I so badly wanted and couldn’t let go of. But the more I held onto that idea, the more depressed I became. I didn’t know what was going to happen and holding onto this idea of what I wanted felt easier than accepting the fact that the future is unknown.

But staying depressed affected everything. My anxiety heightened and I’d spend many mornings on the way to work crying. There were times when nothing would even happen and I’d start crying. I’d be walking my dog and out of nowhere—my heart would start beating fast, my throat would close up, and tears would start falling down my face. I wouldn’t be thinking about anything in particular. It would just happen.

I lost a lot of confidence in myself too. I never fully felt like myself. I felt scared and shy and became frustrated with myself. I knew that I wasn’t being my authentic self but I couldn’t quite shake myself out of it. It was like my body was stuck or trapped.

Coming out of depression was a process. One that I’m still going through now. (Literally as I write this it’s been 2 days since I came to all of this. So jury’s still out!) There were days when I thought I was fine. Then the next day I’d wake up and end up staying in bed all day, unable to leave except to eat. But I always allowed myself to have those days. And I’m lucky I could have those days. As hard as I can be on myself, I tried to let myself feel everything to its fullest. If that meant holding in the anxiety while I was at work only to completely let go as soon as I got in the car, I’d let myself do it. Because more than anything, it’s much more helpful to feel everything you’re feeling than to hold it in and stay in denial. It only prolongs the process. And maybe that’s the biggest thing that helped me come out of it all as quickly as I did. Because facing the issues that are holding you back is inevitable. So you might as well deal with it now, right?