This was the last time I did a photography gig. It was back in Perth a few months ago. When I went back home to figure things out, I suddenly started getting work for photography and film. I hadn't been doing it all that much since I first moved to London a year and a half ago. I wanted to step away from it because I never really knew if it was something I wanted to do. But then, every time I picked up a camera, I'd get this buzz of excitement in me. From looking through the lens and pressing the shutter to clicking export on the final edit of a finishing product. I loved it all. The whole process.
I've always struggled with self-doubt when it came to my creativity. I'm realising now that that was a big part of why I stepped away from photography and film. Even though I'd been doing it for so many years and making a decent living with it, I always felt like a fraud. I never felt good enough. I never felt like I truly deserved to be doing it.
My self-doubt only grew when I came back to London. I'd lost all my confidence. I remember I had to write a piece for a specific project. And all I kept hearing in my head was 'I'm not good enough.'
I am my own worst critic and irrationally hard on myself. And as much as I don't care about what other people think, I do know that I compare myself. All the time. I always have and it's stopped me from a lot. And as aware of it as I am, and as much as I do my best to not do it, I do know that it still lingers in my subconscious.
I miss creating. I miss making stuff. It has nothing to do with making money from it. I just miss making art for myself. I feel like I've lost a big part of who I am by not creating or documenting. I really let my own fears and insecurities get the best of me. And I'm only realising this to its fullest extent as I write this.
So, I'm taking a break from Instagram. It doesn't inspire me anymore like it used to. I already don't use it all that often. But I feel like it's a distraction now. A distraction to stop me from creating. A distraction from myself.
Any bits I want to share, I’ll pop them in this space.