I Don't Know How You Do It

I miss your cigarette breath
Lingering on my neck
And the way your palm
Rested on my knee.

I miss your laugh—
Unexpectedly loud,
Unashamed
Of what others see.

I miss your eyes
Focused on me
As I observed
Friends speaking softly.

You force me to hesitate
And lose my words
And clear my throat
From nerves.

I don’t know how you do it.

—Perth, WA, 1 June 2017

That Damn Grin

I’ll never trust a boy with that kind of grin
Because the way the corner of your mouth lifts
And the shape of those lips
Means my knees have been replaced with weak limbs.
They may be soft and sweet
But that was the last time we’d meet.
You said it yourself,
I didn’t want to believe
Your heart didn’t match
The charm in your kiss.

Yet I still smile when I think of that damn grin.

—Perth, WA, 7 June 2017

I am at Home

I remember sitting on the plane and buckling my belt and putting that one album on repeat.
I remember looking out the window and saying goodbye to a field of lights.
I remember counting down the hours till landing.

Even though I was moving further away from the place I grew up, from the place I knew like the back of my hand, I was coming closer to a stronger feeling of home.

I am at home when I am completely on my own, away from opinions and lectures and others knowing what’s best for me.
I am at home when I am walking the streets with purpose and direction and my head held high.
I am at home when I am surrounded by new faces and new accents and new stories.
I am at home when I am free to be me.

—Perth, WA, 9 June 2017

If Only

The night I saw you again
Fills me with regret
Because the air between us
Was left to    linger
And when I finally got the courage
To do something about it
You had already left.

—If only I wasn’t so scared.

—Perth, WA, 30 May 2017

Night

What if we could stay in this night forever?
Just you and me
Because I can’t bear to think of the morning,
I can’t bear to see you leave.

—Perth, WA, 30 May 2017

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     For a moment, I wasn’t so sure about the place I was in because it started out so well and it only kept rising. With each night, with each new guy, I was on a ladder to infinity, but soon enough it started to slope and this ladder that I was on turned into a slide; sliding down into let-downs and almosts and ultimate disappointments. The thing is, it was never going to stay perfect and it was never going to last. Bumps in the road were bound to happen.
     So, this is the time for me to enjoy it. Enjoy the overall and the midst of it: the madness, the messy, the “when is he going to kiss me?” The mornings when he’s still sleeping and I’m left thinking, and the magic in-between.

—Perth, WA, 29 May 2017

What's the Point?

The nights are getting longer
And I'm slowly losing my patience
Because the thought of having to wait
Is killing me every day. 
Sure, it's fun for now
And all of this
Is what I need
But I can't sustain
This feeling,
Especially at night
When I can't sleep
And start to overthink
Because waking up
To the face of a stranger
Seems okay
Until you're driving home
On two hours of sleep, thinking
What's the point?

—Perth, WA, 24 May 2017

She

She lost herself
in a world of
Shoulds,
where her voice was unheard
by all and herself.
But she will get there
and when she does,
the spark she once had
in her eyes
will come back.

She will be free
once she listens to
Herself.

—Perth, WA, 19 May 2017

A Form of Release

It's impossible to think when it's thirty-something degrees
with opaque air and sticky tees.
Each day I've listened and observed
all that this island has offered.
Reels of sights and sounds
tangled with my bounds.
I'm finding it hard to process anything.
My thoughts need archiving, organising
yet I lack the energy
sun and sea drains me.
So, it all sits inside; simmering away.
I'm left with heart halts, teary eyes, a loss of what to say.
Till the inevitable—all will ease,
I like to call it—a form of release.

—Perth, WA, 4 December 2016

 

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Last time I watched the sun set I was sitting by a pool in Bali with Mathilde, listening to her talk about love. Then I paused for a moment, and stared at the sky and the sea.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked.
I could barely speak. "I don't know . . . Nothing. I'm not thinking about anything." And I wasn't. I wasn't thinking. I was feeling. Feeling an overwhelm of contradictions in me. This moment—with all its surrounding beauty, came with it, a sense of longing. Something was missing. And as grateful as I was for everything in front of me, I realised there would always be a little piece of empty.

—Perth, WA, 2 December 2016

How does she make you feel?

Leaning over cleared plates and empty glasses, we spoke softly of love. I asked you how she makes you feel. Fascination woke my soul, watching you see her face in those tender thoughts of yours. Your eyes changed to magic and the crack between your lips—with no words, said it all.
Love—advertised across your face. A love that held every emotion ever felt by humanity. I only wish there was a better word to describe it. But no alphabet could ever offer me the letters that'd fit.
I am in a constant search yet everything and everyone continues to fail me. A repetitive struggle. Loops of losses; I am dizzy!
The only answer—Him.
Him who I've yet to meet. Him who waits for me as I wait and see. Him with those same magic eyes when he thinks of me.
Him and me.
Him and me.
Him and me.

—Perth, WA, 2 December 2016

You and I and Saturday Night

Tangled limbs
perfectly intertwined,
your mix of
mint and
nicotine breath
kept me alive, along
with your hold, arms—
circled around me,
cradled in your body,
you try to shut me
up with a
kiss
but it won’t stop
me from taking the piss,
because whispers and giggles
and smiling through kisses
lets us know,
once this ends,
there’ll be no misses
between you and I
and Saturday night.
It’s better that way,
no need to stay,
I’ll say
a hushed goodbye,
press my lips
above your eyes
and that’ll be it,
it’ll be alright.

—Perth, WA, 16 May 2017

Dawn

I could taste his cigarettes
As he kissed me
And though the dawn air
Danced on my skin
His body was enough
To warm me.

—Perth, WA, 15 May 2017

Together, Alone

The music slowed,
You pulled me in,
My hand made its way
‘round your neck,
I looked up—
those magic eyes
sparked spontaneity,
and as our lips
got closer
surroundings began to fade.

A boy and a girl
together, alone
in a crowded room,
making the most
of their youth.

—Perth, WA, 8 May 2017

There's Nothing I Want More

There’s nothing I want more than to spend my days with you.
To follow the sun, rise and fall,
Listen to a calm sea,
Feel the soft sand underneath,
Sit in stillness, sit in darkness,
Look at the stars!
They’re now our friends.

There’s nothing I want more than to share my moments with you.
We are dancing, drunken
Girls, lost words, liquid lust
Stay till the end!
Lie to Mama
No need to tell
We are free and
All is well.

There’s nothing I want more than to grow with you.
We giggle, we squeal,
We can’t believe!
Our guts have sparkles
When we look up
And wish on
Shooting stars.

There’s nothing I want more than us.

–Perth, WA, 19 April 2017

Loneliness

Curled up on a cushioned seat, looking down from the hotel balcony, she spies on the souls underneath and is comforted by the idea that she is unseen. The sound of soft strings keeps her company on this humid night while her friend is in the downstairs lobby talking to a long-distance lover. She lights a Marlboro and her eyelids close as the cigarette touches her lips. The constant reminder of two people in love has cracked her. Courage comes and she finally admits to herself—loneliness.

—Perth, WA, 4 December 2016

Falling Asleep

I'm falling asleep happy
At the thought of
You and me
Because your smile
And your eyes
They bring me to
My crumbled knees
I need to feel
Your arms around me
Feel the safety
Of your body
'Cause when I'm with you
I'll do anything
Anything you please.

—Perth, WA, 8 May 2017